My depression

My chest is heavy, it is hard to get a deep breath. I feel like crying but, the effort is exhausting. I want to sleep but I'm too restless. I want to be productive but, I can't get satisfied with a topic or item to begin. I want to do something anything but I have no motivation. I have these waves of emotions really highs and very deep lows and distant memories that tug at My heart and shatter it back to how it was before. Constant darkness and hurt brought to the surface and feelings of not feeling welcomed or as if I don’t belong where I’m at. 

I was a happy kid. I enjoyed my childhood. Like almost everyone. However, my happiness changed in high school. Everything changed, even I changed. 

High school.

I had this friend, let’s call her A. For the four years of high school our friendship was either two things it was we were either the best of friends or worst enemies. No in-between. This continued all of the four years. To this day, we haven’t spoken in almost three years. 

Yet, another dysfunctional friendship that really brought on my depression was between AB and S, it started the sophomore year at my technical career school. When I met these two girls, they were instantly my best friends. We were inseparable. The three of us would always talk about anything. That’s why it was so shocking, I never saw it coming. The bullying. One day. One second it all turned around. Only one occasion I can understand why they did and said the things, those hurtful words. One short verbal interaction that lasted only a week with a boy that one of the girls dated shortly after. From the sudden silent treatments to the co bashing that the teacher joined in on the bullying with them, I was an outcast every second of the day, and every day I counted down the days until graduation. 

College. 

At the beginning of college, I was so ecstatic to be there. Then came the waves of emotions I had my ups and downs. The first day I moved in and I met this guy and it was all over an instant connection and a loss of my attention. To be quite fair also. I wasn’t ready, classes were hard for me. I couldn’t focus I was always daydreaming or hanging out with people instead of prioritizing my agenda around classwork.  My grades slipped out of my control and so did my motivation. I knew I couldn’t go back home and be a disappointment to my parents. So I found an easy way out and that was the Navy. I went to the graduation of the class below me and when I saw a familiar face walk down the aisle in cap and gown, I lost my mind. I cried and had to relieve myself to the bathroom to settle down. That night I was a complete mess and ran away from the ceremony after a quick goodbye to my few friends. 

The Navy. 

Joining the Navy, at the time was so relieving. I actually felt like I fit in. However, I never took the judgment of if I was fit enough into consideration. I knew I was ready, mentally. I was excellent in everything, except for one thing. Running. I marched perfectly. Did the drills, perfectly. Did the testing perfectly. It was just that one thing that I couldn’t do. Run. I still can’t to this day. After countless tries, I was separated. Returning home was the absolute worst feeling ever. Countless nights after being home, I couldn’t sleep I felt so alone. I felt like a failure. I still do to this day. 

Friends. 

Like I’ve said before in previous posts. I’ve ghosted friends and I’m depressed by the thought of never talking and seeing them again. I’ve made it a goal of mine to rekindle and strengthen current friendships and remend lost ones. 

This is me.